IMPOSTER SYNDROME
Ahem
It’s been a
while.
I mean, a
while may be an understatement but hey… at least I’m back?
In another
post I promise I will address my eerily long absence with a 20 page rant on
work schedules, laziness and a fight with HTML I have long since accepted I will
always lose, but today, I’m here to discuss something that’s been on my mind a
lot recently, and that is the idea of Imposter Syndrome.
To those
who don’t know what Imposter Syndrome is, god bless your sweet innocent summer
souls, I envy your self-confidence and worth and hope you never lose it.
However, the majority of us will completely understand the feeling of Imposter
Syndrome, that idea of looking at everyone around you and going “What the hell
am I
doing here?” That feeling of not being as good as or good enough for anyone and
everyone around you.
I go to the
University of St. Andrews, regularly listed as a top university in Scotland,
Britain and the world. It’s a big name to live up to and I have had a lot of interested
oo-ing and ah-ing whenever I tell someone. There’s a reputation; I mean the freaking
monarch to be came here so of course I expected a high standard. What I didn’t
expect is the sheer level of brilliance – which admittedly was stupid on my
part. I am surrounded by geniuses from all areas of the globe (namely America –
good lord there are a lot of you here), and for someone who has always been
doubtful of their ability, it’s kind of taking an impact.
I mean, don’t
get me wrong, I know that buried way down deep under the self -doubt,
insecurity and rage against a system that takes a love of learning and twists
it into a fear of failure, there is an intelligent person in my brain screaming
“FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST LISTEN TO ME!”. But as someone who got into this
university with a questionable work ethic and grades lower than the conditions
they set me, that voice has shrunk down to a whisper, unable to compete with
the other voice who’s simply and monotonously repeating “Why are you
here?”. The first few times it’s easy to
bat it away, ignore it, keep pushing through knowing that you deserve a place. But
after two months of it, it can be exhausting.
I’m
absolutely happy to be here, and I wouldn’t dream of dropping out or losing a
place I did genuinely work hard for, even if the grades didn’t show it, but this
battle with myself is something I have to deal with day in day out, the idea of
insecurity and fear as I write an essay, knowing it’s not good enough but
knowing I’ve left it so late that it’s what I have to hand in, watching friends
who are just brilliant tear themselves down intellectually because they believe
they’re stupid, while you sit there knowing factually they are more brilliant
than you could arguably ever be.
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