| imposter syndrome |

IMPOSTER SYNDROME

Ahem

It’s been a while.

I mean, a while may be an understatement but hey… at least I’m back?

In another post I promise I will address my eerily long absence with a 20 page rant on work schedules, laziness and a fight with HTML I have long since accepted I will always lose, but today, I’m here to discuss something that’s been on my mind a lot recently, and that is the idea of Imposter Syndrome.

To those who don’t know what Imposter Syndrome is, god bless your sweet innocent summer souls, I envy your self-confidence and worth and hope you never lose it. However, the majority of us will completely understand the feeling of Imposter Syndrome, that idea of looking at everyone around you and going “What the hell am I doing here?” That feeling of not being as good as or good enough for anyone and everyone around you.

I go to the University of St. Andrews, regularly listed as a top university in Scotland, Britain and the world. It’s a big name to live up to and I have had a lot of interested oo-ing and ah-ing whenever I tell someone. There’s a reputation; I mean the freaking monarch to be came here so of course I expected a high standard. What I didn’t expect is the sheer level of brilliance – which admittedly was stupid on my part. I am surrounded by geniuses from all areas of the globe (namely America – good lord there are a lot of you here), and for someone who has always been doubtful of their ability, it’s kind of taking an impact.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know that buried way down deep under the self -doubt, insecurity and rage against a system that takes a love of learning and twists it into a fear of failure, there is an intelligent person in my brain screaming “FOR GOD’S SAKE JUST LISTEN TO ME!”. But as someone who got into this university with a questionable work ethic and grades lower than the conditions they set me, that voice has shrunk down to a whisper, unable to compete with the other voice who’s simply and monotonously repeating “Why are you here?”.  The first few times it’s easy to bat it away, ignore it, keep pushing through knowing that you deserve a place. But after two months of it, it can be exhausting.

I’m absolutely happy to be here, and I wouldn’t dream of dropping out or losing a place I did genuinely work hard for, even if the grades didn’t show it, but this battle with myself is something I have to deal with day in day out, the idea of insecurity and fear as I write an essay, knowing it’s not good enough but knowing I’ve left it so late that it’s what I have to hand in, watching friends who are just brilliant tear themselves down intellectually because they believe they’re stupid, while you sit there knowing factually they are more brilliant than you could arguably ever be.

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There’s no real point to this, and I’m fully aware of how depressing this is to kick off my blog again, but I guess I just want to let people know that if you’re going through this, no matter what context or your ability, you’re not anywhere you shouldn’t be, and that’s something I too need to remind myself. I deserve to be here just as much as Prince William did and just as much as anyone else does, otherwise quite simply, I wouldn’t be sat here right now, watching the waves crash into the pier, writing a blog post about how I don’t feel clever enough to be at a top university. I just need to remind myself more often.